Listen to Our Hearts

My mom recently bought Max a doctor kit
which he refers to as his "doctor toolbox" - ha!

Our adorable doctor-in-residence ;)

This kiddo LOVES to pull out the stethoscope
and order you to lay down so he can listen to your heart.
Sometimes he'll even let us take a listen.
It's so fun to watch Max pretending...
only it won't just be pretending for long.

You may remember this post about Max's heart murmur,
which we've been going to check periodically
ever since it was detected at his four month well check.
We had one such appointment back in July.

As we sat in the exam room, still zombie-like from our late nights with Miles,
trying to corral our energetic toddler and quiet our fussy newborn,
the doctor told us that Max would need to have surgery
to remove the growing membrane by the end of the year.
This year.

Even in my sleep-deprived stupor, I could feel my jaw hit the floor.

I mean, I knew this would eventually happen.
But we thought we had a couple more years 

before surgery would be necessary, not a couple of months.

Clay had tried to prepare me for this possibility,
but really, how do you prepare yourself for the idea
of your child being cut open and part of his heart removed?

I gasp every time Max trips and falls; how am I to make it through this?


I remember the doctor asking if we had any questions

and just sitting there with a blank look on my face,

definitely not reflecting the multitude of questions swirling in my mind.

There were (and still are) almost too many 

to even know where to start in the asking.
Even after our meeting with the surgeon last week,
I am still not sure I can wrap my brain around
what is going to happen in less than three weeks.

But God has really been speaking to me through our preacher,
and the sermon several weeks ago was on this passage from Romans:

We do not know what we ought to pray for, 
but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 
And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, 
because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people 
in accordance with the will of God.

It is so comforting to know that even though I can't express
all the thoughts and feelings I have right now,
my God knows.
He is listening to my heart
and how it aches for the heart of my child.