24 October 2013

Listen to Our Hearts

My mom recently bought Max a doctor kit
which he refers to as his "doctor toolbox" - ha!

Our adorable doctor-in-residence ;)

This kiddo LOVES to pull out the stethoscope
and order you to lay down so he can listen to your heart.
Sometimes he'll even let us take a listen.
It's so fun to watch Max pretending...
only it won't just be pretending for long.

You may remember this post about Max's heart murmur,
which we've been going to check periodically
ever since it was detected at his four month well check.
We had one such appointment back in July.

As we sat in the exam room, still zombie-like from our late nights with Miles,
trying to corral our energetic toddler and quiet our fussy newborn,
the doctor told us that Max would need to have surgery
to remove the growing membrane by the end of the year.
This year.

Even in my sleep-deprived stupor, I could feel my jaw hit the floor.

I mean, I knew this would eventually happen.
But we thought we had a couple more years 
before surgery would be necessary, not a couple of months.

Clay had tried to prepare me for this possibility,
but really, how do you prepare yourself for the idea
of your child being cut open and part of his heart removed?

I gasp every time Max trips and falls; how am I to make it through this?

I remember the doctor asking if we had any questions
and just sitting there with a blank look on my face,
definitely not reflecting the multitude of questions swirling in my mind.
There were (and still are) almost too many 
to even know where to start in the asking.
Even after our meeting with the surgeon last week,
I am still not sure I can wrap my brain around
what is going to happen in less than three weeks.

But God has really been speaking to me through our preacher,
and the sermon several weeks ago was on this passage from Romans:

We do not know what we ought to pray for, 
but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 
And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, 
because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people 
in accordance with the will of God.

It is so comforting to know that even though I can't express
all the thoughts and feelings I have right now,
my God knows.
He is listening to my heart
and how it aches for the heart of my child.


Ashley said...

Oh that sweet boy! I will be thinking about all of you & the whole journey you will soon be walking! We are not to far away, please let me know if there is anything you need!! I mean that!

karen said...

Jessica, I think this is the most poignant blogpost I have ever written. The thoughts that your heart is feeling have been translated into words that help to understand. there really is no way to 'prepare' for the journey, but you are 'pre-praying'and that is what is important right now. GOD hears your heart, and the 'breath prayers' that your soul is sounding. having walked this before, we know it is difficult, but we also know that the healing that takes place is a mighty miracle. we love you all so much. xoxo, mini and Zu

karen said...

***********i mean 'the most poignant blogpost I have ever read'**********

bethany said...

What a beautiful post, Jessica! We're thinking of you and praying for all of you - praying for sweet Max and for a successful and peaceful operation.

Sylvia Masters said...

Jessica, I was so very touched by your Listen to our hearts post. Your Dad and I have been praying continually for peace for you and Clay as you face this new faith journey. I can only imagine how your heart aches as you consider what lies ahead. God is faithful as you have witnessed with your sister and He will be with you every step of the way. Keep the prayer line open. We love you and look forward to being there with you. Grammie and Doc

Mary Kay said...

We are praying and lifting your whole family up as you walk this path. I can't even begin to imagine all the questions you must have and yet, I know God will help you to ask the ones you need to know! I also know God is fully aware of the path he has ask you to walk and so he will be there every step of the way...to lead you, to walk beside you and lift you up when you are weary! Love you guys!

Ashley said...

Continuing to pray. There are no words of wisdom or calls of faith, just rest in knowing Max was fearfully and wonderfully made by the Great Physician. Love you guys!